Photo: Joe Pisani
Photo: Joe Pisani
Image one of / / one
Image one of one
Photo: Joe Pisani
I said that? Try WebMD and home remedies to avoid waiting rooms during COVID-19
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Somehow, when I wasn’t looking, I hurt a part of my body that I didn’t know existed. If you knew which part it is, you could have a clearer idea of what is wrong. It is an undiscovered tendon, ligament, nerve, joint, or organ. I don’t know, and the doctor doesn’t seem to know either.
Anyway, when you need a doctor during the coronavirus pandemic, it’s a good bet that they have more important things to do than puncture and prick your groin, so I lived with my pain for months. I tried telemedicine, but it is difficult to push and press a person with Zoom.
When you can’t go to the doctor, I guess telemedicine is better than nothing. For me, it got to the point where I had to take the law into my own hands because my tendon, ligament, nerve, possible kidney stone, or arthritis were getting worse, so I did what any good diagnosis would do and turned to Google, which helps solve many problems but not as many as it creates.
I love the free tips you can get on websites like WebMD. All you have to do is Google “What causes groin pain?” and you could spend the rest of your life reading millions of comments from people with the same problem as you: about half the population of planet Earth … or at least those who have the Internet.
After a week of trying to self diagnose my problem and perform self exams, I concluded that everyone in the United States has a problem with tendons, ligaments, nerves, etc., and it made me feel better to know that I was not alone. After three weeks, I started telling the doctors what my problem was and started billing them for my consultation fees.
I also decided to pursue an MD at Google Medical School. I wish I had thought about that before because it would have been more lucrative than a career in journalism. All you need is a stethoscope and a smartphone.
My father had the same skills when it came to self-diagnosing his ailments. He even developed treatments, which generally consisted of a 16-ounce can of Budweiser and an Italian Subway combination with hot peppers and pepperoni (to kill the germs).
Another favorite was Epsom salt, which he used to treat everything from sore feet to crunchy joints, bee stings, and splinters. Epsom salt, I discovered, is a panacea for stomach pain, hair loss, constipation, insomnia, and fibromyalgia. We always had plenty of Epsom salt on hand, but not as big as Budweiser’s.
The old ways are the best, so to deal with my mysterious condition, I bought an Italian combo with hot peppers and pepperoni. Then I put on my mask and ran to Walmart for Epsom salt.
You may not know it, but Epsom salt is not salt, but rather magnesium sulfate, and Epsom is where it comes from in England. Since I got mine from Walmart, it could technically be classified as “Walmart salt”.
I discovered all kinds of Epsom salt. Dr. Teal does it with “cannabis sativa”, which in Latin means hemp seed oil, but it is not smoked. The good news is that I bought a bag without having to show them my driver’s license. You can also buy Epsom salt with almond oil and coconut oil. I’m Italian, so I was a little disappointed that they didn’t have any with olive oil.
I also bought a bag of their special Himalayan salt, which is guaranteed to take you to another dimension of sound, sight and mind and to relieve insomnia, stress and agitation. I don’t have to travel to Tibet because it will help me relax and catch up to Nirvana in my bathtub.
If I started using these things 20 years ago, I could have avoided many visits to the gastroenterologist. After a warm bath with Epsom salt, I am calm, relaxed, and ready for bed. The only problem is that my tendon, ligament, kidney stones, joint pain has not healed.
Joe Pisani can be contacted at [email protected]